Post by Tyler Kurucz on Mar 1, 2008 22:57:34 GMT -6
So, I've noticed a lot of...erm...sadness around, and I just thought I'd break the trend. Don't get me wrong, venting and anger and sadness and all that jazz isn't bad or anything, but hey, there's nothin wrong with a little pick me up from the ultimately insane Jess every now and again is there? Nope, didn't think so. Anywho, these are a few things I wrote when I was feeling more insane than usual...They're mostly ridiculous rants that are intended to make people laugh, so pick a topic, any topic, and pretend you're heading me say this to a large audience of people who would all be really mad at me for saying this stuff.
"I've often Wondered"
How in the name of all things good have we survived as a species?! Just tonight, I was looking at some people's blogs, and I thought to myself..."that person is going to blow up the world someday." Which in turn lead me to my former speculation. People are so angry these days it's ridiculous. I mean, really, walk through Walmart...any day, it doesn't matter...and count how many angry people you see (you might want to bring a piece of paper and a pen, the list could get long.). Then, once you've done that, go back another day and make sure you don't stop smiling the entire time. Offer to help some old lady get the kitty litter off the shelf, wave to people you don't know, and act just generally happy. Count how many people look at you like your insane (again, you may need a paper and pen.).
Now, the next one is, DRIVE THE SPEED LIMIT. *gasp* Oh boy! new concept here! It doesn't matter what the speed limit is, just drive as close to that speed as you can possibly get, and see how many people tailgate you. I've found this one to be really fun, especially when I go into the turning lane and they keep going straigt and they look at me as they pass me and they're like "WOAH! that's not an old person driving the speed limit!" and I'm like "Seriously, people, if you've got a problem with the speed limit, take it up with the law, not me."
And last but not least...this one is rather dangerous, and not for the faint of heart...go find an environmentalist or animal rights convention, and walk in the door with a picture of either a helicopter dumping retardent or a wolf with a scope thing on his eye. You might want to stay near to the door so you can make your escape when the inevitable attack of environmenalists commences. I have yet to try this one, but I can pretty much see exactly how it would go down in my head.
Anyway, my point is simply this: here we are, living in the greastest country in the world (no offense to any non U.S Americans), and we all want to kill each other. Brilliant (Guinness Draft, please drink responsibly.) No wonder all of the other countries have higher IQs than we do...doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out...oh but wait...they haven't yet. Moving on. Why don't we all try to spread a little cheer, make someones day, or just try to have a happier outlook on life. All of these things will, I can garantee, make an even better United States than the one we're already living in.
What's your definition of normal?"
...in my opinion, normal is really NOT normal anymore. See about 90% of the world has gone insane. You may wish to contest that, but I maintain that ANYONE who thinks that we should no cut trees, hold signs that say save the animals, sue the forest service for using retardant on fires, has a bumper sticker that says "no more blood for oil" on a gas guzzling HUMMER, thinks we should drill for oil in Alaska because of the Caribou, says the war has been nothing but a waste of money and that we should pull out, admires Brittany Spears or 80% of the other movie stars who are on drugs have drinking problems or are otherwise just insane, thinks that RAP is music, holds that Avril Lavigne can sing, can't go through a single 24 hour period without cussing, thinks that Hillary Clinton should be the next president, thinks that all taxes are stealing, agrees with any decision judge Malloy has ever made, enjoys running cats over, thinks that pitbulls are cute, would die to own a rat terrier, wants to kill themselves, sits in a box full of scorpions/snakes/spiders, thinks that clowns are funny, maintains that horse sports are cruel, charges 12 year olds the adult price for movies but won't let them see R rated movies, thinks that there is no such thing as God, writes that the current temperature is -12 and today's low is going to be 5, and/or comes to Montana, shots a llama, brings it back to the game warden and says "it's huge, it has to be a new record," is in fact insane. Therefore, normal no longer exists.
"Offended by Christmas"
Yeah...that's right, I said it. Christmas offends be because I don't believe in God and since you are saying "Merry Christmas" it's like you're trying to force your religion on me so because I'm offended by Christmas you now have to say "happy holidays."
I would personally like to know when people got it into their thick heads that Christmas was offensive. For years EVERYONE has said merry Christmas...it didn't matter if you were Christian, Jew, Mormon, Atheist, Muslim, or any religion. Christmas it what it is, you can't change that by changing the name, and you most certainly will NEVER catch me saying "happy holidays" like all the "politically correct" morons that think they're so much better than the rest of us because they don't offend anybody by saying "merry Christmas". Well guess what? Maybe I'M offended that you are offended by Christmas. Maybe I'M offended that you are trying to make ME say "happy holidays." Did they ever stop to think about that? I highly doubt it.
Politically correct is defined as "Treating other people's religion, culture, etc. with sensitivity." But I'm pretty darn sure that in today's culture it has come to mean "we're not going to say things like "merry Christmas" because the dung slinging idiots that are contending to be the leader of our nation are "offended" by the use of any term that even vaguely refers to the true meaning of the season. We don't care about the way the Christians will view our use of these non-generic terms, all that matters any more is the severely confused that are in a state of insane desperation to find a way to make Christianity offensive."
What makes Montana awesome?
I've been thinking for a while now, "what exactly makes Montana the single most perfect state in the entire U.S. (don't kill me those of you who hate Montana, I can't help but state the truth)?" And I have decided that I have found the answer. These are only 5 things that makes Montana Paradise:
5. When a yellow Lamborghini rolls through town everyone gets excited.
4. Montana's think dressing up is putting on a clean pair of jeans and a T-shirt.
3. We're not afraind of voicing our opinions...even if we look like idiots being the only 5 people standing on the street corner holding signs that say "No more blood for oil," "save the wolves," and "Cows not Condos!"
2. Gay marriage is still looked on as a bad thing in Montana.
1. Montana's S.W.A.T team wears camo, cause lets face it, if you wore all black while going on a raid you'd be the first one to get shot.
Yes, those are only a few of the millions of reasons why Montana is the greatest state on earth, and yes I did make all of them up myself, and YES Montana's S.W.A.T team does wear camo, I've seen it myself...not on tv or on the internet...right outside my school actually.
How Narcissistic have we become?
Walking through the county fair one day (while searching for my siblings who seemed to have been abducted by aliens) I started to notice that I was constantly dodging out of the way of people who would have run me over had I not moved. Then I got to thinking, that is the exact same way we have begun to drive.
A few days later, I was driving home from a movie, it's just about 5:30, and yeah, traffic is a little heavy, but not too bad. As I was passing Woody's (a local gas station outside of town), a car suddenly started pulling out in front of me (of course, there wasn't hardly a soul behind me). Now, I'm not trying to sound rude or like I have road rage, but it seems to me like it would be better to wait at the big read sign with bold white letters that say STOP when a car is flying at you at 65 mph. I slammed on my brakes to avoid hitting the guy, and he starts going on to the area where they have the diagonal lines. By this point, I've managed to get the car down to about 25 mph, and I'm thinking, "You've already made me slam on my brakes, I'm already going slow enough, just get on the bloody road and GO!" I was a little irritated, and again, Brad Stine's words popped into my head, "how narcissistic have we become?"
When taking driver's ed., they tell you to "drive defensively, assume that everyone is going to pull out in front of you." Wait. What? What is this? The ones who have the right of way, the ones hurtling down the road at 70 mph should yield to the guy with the stop sign? We should watch out for the idiot who pulls out in front of us? When did it become NORMAL for the guy at the stop sign to pull out onto the highway in front of oncoming traffic? Isn't it more worth it to wait the extra 15 seconds than to nearly get yourself killed? Ah, but I suppose I am just ranting now.
My point is, that we, meaning the people in the U.S, and probably other places, have become so self centered that we assume that the other guys will just get out of our way, so we can simply do what we want, and that is just wrong. Next time you're about to pull out in front of someone, take a moment to think, and weigh the risks. You don't want to get someone killed because you were in a hurry do you?
That's all for now folks...I'm pretty sure I wrote all of those at some point afrer midnight so if there's some stuff in there that makes no sense...just laugh at me. I'm cool with it. When I do dumb stuff I deserve to be laughed at, trust me, I won't be offended.
"I've often Wondered"
How in the name of all things good have we survived as a species?! Just tonight, I was looking at some people's blogs, and I thought to myself..."that person is going to blow up the world someday." Which in turn lead me to my former speculation. People are so angry these days it's ridiculous. I mean, really, walk through Walmart...any day, it doesn't matter...and count how many angry people you see (you might want to bring a piece of paper and a pen, the list could get long.). Then, once you've done that, go back another day and make sure you don't stop smiling the entire time. Offer to help some old lady get the kitty litter off the shelf, wave to people you don't know, and act just generally happy. Count how many people look at you like your insane (again, you may need a paper and pen.).
Now, the next one is, DRIVE THE SPEED LIMIT. *gasp* Oh boy! new concept here! It doesn't matter what the speed limit is, just drive as close to that speed as you can possibly get, and see how many people tailgate you. I've found this one to be really fun, especially when I go into the turning lane and they keep going straigt and they look at me as they pass me and they're like "WOAH! that's not an old person driving the speed limit!" and I'm like "Seriously, people, if you've got a problem with the speed limit, take it up with the law, not me."
And last but not least...this one is rather dangerous, and not for the faint of heart...go find an environmentalist or animal rights convention, and walk in the door with a picture of either a helicopter dumping retardent or a wolf with a scope thing on his eye. You might want to stay near to the door so you can make your escape when the inevitable attack of environmenalists commences. I have yet to try this one, but I can pretty much see exactly how it would go down in my head.
Anyway, my point is simply this: here we are, living in the greastest country in the world (no offense to any non U.S Americans), and we all want to kill each other. Brilliant (Guinness Draft, please drink responsibly.) No wonder all of the other countries have higher IQs than we do...doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out...oh but wait...they haven't yet. Moving on. Why don't we all try to spread a little cheer, make someones day, or just try to have a happier outlook on life. All of these things will, I can garantee, make an even better United States than the one we're already living in.
What's your definition of normal?"
...in my opinion, normal is really NOT normal anymore. See about 90% of the world has gone insane. You may wish to contest that, but I maintain that ANYONE who thinks that we should no cut trees, hold signs that say save the animals, sue the forest service for using retardant on fires, has a bumper sticker that says "no more blood for oil" on a gas guzzling HUMMER, thinks we should drill for oil in Alaska because of the Caribou, says the war has been nothing but a waste of money and that we should pull out, admires Brittany Spears or 80% of the other movie stars who are on drugs have drinking problems or are otherwise just insane, thinks that RAP is music, holds that Avril Lavigne can sing, can't go through a single 24 hour period without cussing, thinks that Hillary Clinton should be the next president, thinks that all taxes are stealing, agrees with any decision judge Malloy has ever made, enjoys running cats over, thinks that pitbulls are cute, would die to own a rat terrier, wants to kill themselves, sits in a box full of scorpions/snakes/spiders, thinks that clowns are funny, maintains that horse sports are cruel, charges 12 year olds the adult price for movies but won't let them see R rated movies, thinks that there is no such thing as God, writes that the current temperature is -12 and today's low is going to be 5, and/or comes to Montana, shots a llama, brings it back to the game warden and says "it's huge, it has to be a new record," is in fact insane. Therefore, normal no longer exists.
"Offended by Christmas"
Yeah...that's right, I said it. Christmas offends be because I don't believe in God and since you are saying "Merry Christmas" it's like you're trying to force your religion on me so because I'm offended by Christmas you now have to say "happy holidays."
I would personally like to know when people got it into their thick heads that Christmas was offensive. For years EVERYONE has said merry Christmas...it didn't matter if you were Christian, Jew, Mormon, Atheist, Muslim, or any religion. Christmas it what it is, you can't change that by changing the name, and you most certainly will NEVER catch me saying "happy holidays" like all the "politically correct" morons that think they're so much better than the rest of us because they don't offend anybody by saying "merry Christmas". Well guess what? Maybe I'M offended that you are offended by Christmas. Maybe I'M offended that you are trying to make ME say "happy holidays." Did they ever stop to think about that? I highly doubt it.
Politically correct is defined as "Treating other people's religion, culture, etc. with sensitivity." But I'm pretty darn sure that in today's culture it has come to mean "we're not going to say things like "merry Christmas" because the dung slinging idiots that are contending to be the leader of our nation are "offended" by the use of any term that even vaguely refers to the true meaning of the season. We don't care about the way the Christians will view our use of these non-generic terms, all that matters any more is the severely confused that are in a state of insane desperation to find a way to make Christianity offensive."
What makes Montana awesome?
I've been thinking for a while now, "what exactly makes Montana the single most perfect state in the entire U.S. (don't kill me those of you who hate Montana, I can't help but state the truth)?" And I have decided that I have found the answer. These are only 5 things that makes Montana Paradise:
5. When a yellow Lamborghini rolls through town everyone gets excited.
4. Montana's think dressing up is putting on a clean pair of jeans and a T-shirt.
3. We're not afraind of voicing our opinions...even if we look like idiots being the only 5 people standing on the street corner holding signs that say "No more blood for oil," "save the wolves," and "Cows not Condos!"
2. Gay marriage is still looked on as a bad thing in Montana.
1. Montana's S.W.A.T team wears camo, cause lets face it, if you wore all black while going on a raid you'd be the first one to get shot.
Yes, those are only a few of the millions of reasons why Montana is the greatest state on earth, and yes I did make all of them up myself, and YES Montana's S.W.A.T team does wear camo, I've seen it myself...not on tv or on the internet...right outside my school actually.
How Narcissistic have we become?
Walking through the county fair one day (while searching for my siblings who seemed to have been abducted by aliens) I started to notice that I was constantly dodging out of the way of people who would have run me over had I not moved. Then I got to thinking, that is the exact same way we have begun to drive.
A few days later, I was driving home from a movie, it's just about 5:30, and yeah, traffic is a little heavy, but not too bad. As I was passing Woody's (a local gas station outside of town), a car suddenly started pulling out in front of me (of course, there wasn't hardly a soul behind me). Now, I'm not trying to sound rude or like I have road rage, but it seems to me like it would be better to wait at the big read sign with bold white letters that say STOP when a car is flying at you at 65 mph. I slammed on my brakes to avoid hitting the guy, and he starts going on to the area where they have the diagonal lines. By this point, I've managed to get the car down to about 25 mph, and I'm thinking, "You've already made me slam on my brakes, I'm already going slow enough, just get on the bloody road and GO!" I was a little irritated, and again, Brad Stine's words popped into my head, "how narcissistic have we become?"
When taking driver's ed., they tell you to "drive defensively, assume that everyone is going to pull out in front of you." Wait. What? What is this? The ones who have the right of way, the ones hurtling down the road at 70 mph should yield to the guy with the stop sign? We should watch out for the idiot who pulls out in front of us? When did it become NORMAL for the guy at the stop sign to pull out onto the highway in front of oncoming traffic? Isn't it more worth it to wait the extra 15 seconds than to nearly get yourself killed? Ah, but I suppose I am just ranting now.
My point is, that we, meaning the people in the U.S, and probably other places, have become so self centered that we assume that the other guys will just get out of our way, so we can simply do what we want, and that is just wrong. Next time you're about to pull out in front of someone, take a moment to think, and weigh the risks. You don't want to get someone killed because you were in a hurry do you?
That's all for now folks...I'm pretty sure I wrote all of those at some point afrer midnight so if there's some stuff in there that makes no sense...just laugh at me. I'm cool with it. When I do dumb stuff I deserve to be laughed at, trust me, I won't be offended.
